Offical joke thread..... WS, but hope no 1 is offended

[Jeeper]

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police.

A police officer pulled the car over.

A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!"












The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

[Shakie]

LOL... some good jokes....

 

[belveder]

Shopping

Shopping

A blind man and his seeing eye dog are grocery shopping. Suddenly in
the middle of an aisle, the man picks up his dog by the tail and starts
swinging it around.

A startled clerk asks the man "Can I help you, sir?

The blind man replies quickly without thought, "No thanks, just
looking."

 

[Zagadka]

A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. “Well, I'd like to go to Hawaii. But, I'm afraid of flying and I don't like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii,” says the man.
“That's impossible!” says the genie, “You'll have to make another wish.”
“Ok, I want to know how to be a sucessful internet executive.” says the man.
“How many lanes do you want on that bridge? asks the genie.

 

[Zagadka]

Hey check this out...

From Penis,
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

 

[belveder]

Restroom graffiti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. ----Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL - (not far from a major medical school)

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. ----Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you can piss this high, join the fire department. ----On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away. ----Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. ----Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. ----Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not, 'How high are you?' it's 'Hi, how are you?' ----Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? ----The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. ----The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, just remember: some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. ----Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. - Descartes To be is to do. - Voltaire Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra ----Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. ----Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ----Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married! ----Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. - Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. - God ----The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. ----Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. ----Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? ----Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! ----Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

 

[belveder]

Doctor brothel

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have inter-course," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

 

[belveder]

Screwing

Screwing

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a
pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the
girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so
why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're
planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop
or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll
screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED
THE TWIST!!!"

 

[belveder]

Raisin bread

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. " I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a
ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?"

No, " croaks the old man.... " but it's startin' to twitch."

 

[Zagadka]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks
"how long before I can get a haircut?
" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but then doesn't come back."
A little while later,
Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"