these amy be highly offensive so please no hate amil to me i am really sorry but they are kinda funny
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of
fermented goat's milk.
One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and
they
start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
> > >A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air Jamaica when the
> > > >stranger turned to the Jamaican and said, "Let's talk. I've
> > > >heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with
> > > >your fellow passenger."
> > > >
> > > >The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his
> > > >walkman, turned it down, and said to the stranger, "Wha yu like fe
> > discuss,
> > > >Sah?"
> > > >
> > > >"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger thinking that he would stump
the
> > > >Jamaican, he said, "Nuclear power?"
> > > >
> > > >"Aaaright," said the Jamaican. "dat could be one in-tresting topic.
> > > >But mek me ask yu one question fus".
> > > >
> > > >"Go ahead " , said the stranger.
> > > >
> > > >"A donkey, a cow an deer all eat grass, rite?
> > > >Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow tun out flat patties,
> an
> > > >donkey produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
> > > >
> > > >"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
> > > >
> > > >"Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How de rass is it dat yu feel
> qualified
> > fe
> > > >discuss nuclear power wen yu don't even know shiit?"
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
A woman walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses
around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks
over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.
Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to
see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as
she turns back, there standing next to her, is a
salesman "Good day, Madame How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it...
you're going to shit when you hear the price.
> > > ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
> > > Smart man + smart woman = romance
> > >
> > > Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> > >
> > > Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> > >
> > > Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > SHOPPING MATH
> > >
> > > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> > >
> > > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
> > >
> > > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
> > >
> > > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> > >
> > > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
> > > spend.
> > >
> > > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > HAPPINESS
> > >
> > > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
> > > little.
> > >
> > > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
> > > understand her at all.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > LONGEVITY
> > >
> > > Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
> > > lot more willing to die.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
> > >
> > > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> > >
> > > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
> > >
> > > A woman has the last word in any argument.
> > >
> > > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
> > >
> > > Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
> > > and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
> > > >doing
> > > the same thing to them at funerals.