.:New Joke Thread:.
- Thread starter Erstad
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Apokalipse
Golden Master
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- 14,559
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- Melbourne, Australia
Adminisphere: The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Anally: Ocurring yearly
Anasthesia: A Russian princess you studied in school
Ankle: Opposite of aunty
Anthrax: Trail made by ants
Antibodies: Things uncles are familiar with
Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Asthma: What you do if dad says no
Bachelor: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable
Bachelor:
Bachelor: The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Beepilepsy: The brief siezure people somtimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Benign: What you are after you be eight
Blood Count: Dracula
Boot: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her
Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people
Cardiac: Someone crazy about old cars
Carditis: Addicted to poker
Carpal: People who drive to work together
Cauterize: Made wye contact with her
CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills an charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chicken: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Chip Jewelry: A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Chips: The fattening, non-nutritional food computers users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own
Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Cystogram: A telegram to your sister
Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition fo the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
Disconfect: To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline
Dorito Syndrome: Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Dump: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
Egosurfing: Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Elbonics: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater
Expansion Unit: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
File: What a secretary can now do to her nails six and half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
Flink: The act of turning on your car's turn signal just long enough for it to blink for half a second.
Floppy: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of excercise and a steady diet of junk food.
Gentleman: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
Gentleman: A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
Glazing: Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Graybar Land: The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen).
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
He's 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."
Homogeneous: A brilliant gay
Houswork: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
Husband: A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
Husband: A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Joint Checking Account: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Lactomangulation: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Link Rot: The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Liver: A person who lives on and on
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Mammary: Something you remember
Megaherts: Hurts real bad!
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
Mistress: Somthing between a mister and a mattress.
Mother-in-Law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings and no recognition.
Nanogram: Telegram delivered by your grandmother
Obsolete: Any computer you own
Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Organ Transplant: Time to call the piano movers
Pasteurize: Too far to see
Pathology: Study of roadmaps
Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis
Peppier: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Phonesia: The affliction fo dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Plug-and-Play: A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Rarefaction: A number not commonly used in math
Recovery room: Place to do upholstery
Rhinoplasty: Charge card for the zoo
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time
Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouln't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford
Telecrastination: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Terminal Ilness: Getting sick at the airport
Testicles: Books of the Bible
Tolerance: What you get after giving growth hormone to ants.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today
Tourists: People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.
Transexual: Having sex while driving
Tumor: More than one
Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Urinate: What a nurse says to patient in room eight.
Urine: Opposite of "You're Out".
Vagina: People who live in the state of Virginia
Vulva: Swedish automobile.
Wife: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
World Wide Wait: The real meaning of WWW.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Anally: Ocurring yearly
Anasthesia: A Russian princess you studied in school
Ankle: Opposite of aunty
Anthrax: Trail made by ants
Antibodies: Things uncles are familiar with
Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Asthma: What you do if dad says no
Bachelor: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable
Bachelor:
Bachelor: The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Beepilepsy: The brief siezure people somtimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Benign: What you are after you be eight
Blood Count: Dracula
Boot: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her
Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people
Cardiac: Someone crazy about old cars
Carditis: Addicted to poker
Carpal: People who drive to work together
Cauterize: Made wye contact with her
CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills an charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chicken: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Chip Jewelry: A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Chips: The fattening, non-nutritional food computers users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own
Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Cystogram: A telegram to your sister
Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition fo the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
Disconfect: To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline
Dorito Syndrome: Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Dump: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
Egosurfing: Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Elbonics: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater
Expansion Unit: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
File: What a secretary can now do to her nails six and half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
Flink: The act of turning on your car's turn signal just long enough for it to blink for half a second.
Floppy: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of excercise and a steady diet of junk food.
Gentleman: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
Gentleman: A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
Glazing: Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Graybar Land: The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen).
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
He's 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."
Homogeneous: A brilliant gay
Houswork: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
Husband: A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
Husband: A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Joint Checking Account: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Lactomangulation: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Link Rot: The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Liver: A person who lives on and on
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Mammary: Something you remember
Megaherts: Hurts real bad!
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
Mistress: Somthing between a mister and a mattress.
Mother-in-Law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings and no recognition.
Nanogram: Telegram delivered by your grandmother
Obsolete: Any computer you own
Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Organ Transplant: Time to call the piano movers
Pasteurize: Too far to see
Pathology: Study of roadmaps
Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis
Peppier: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Phonesia: The affliction fo dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Plug-and-Play: A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Rarefaction: A number not commonly used in math
Recovery room: Place to do upholstery
Rhinoplasty: Charge card for the zoo
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time
Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouln't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford
Telecrastination: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Terminal Ilness: Getting sick at the airport
Testicles: Books of the Bible
Tolerance: What you get after giving growth hormone to ants.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today
Tourists: People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.
Transexual: Having sex while driving
Tumor: More than one
Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Urinate: What a nurse says to patient in room eight.
Urine: Opposite of "You're Out".
Vagina: People who live in the state of Virginia
Vulva: Swedish automobile.
Wife: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
World Wide Wait: The real meaning of WWW.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed
Kinda like the black dog thing!
There's a boat sitting at it's moorings. It has a ladder over the side. The ladder has fifteen rungs, four of the rungs are already submerged. The rungs of the ladder are excatally one foot apart. The tide rises excatally one foot per hour (and yes the tide is rising). In excatally three hours how many more rungs will be submerged.
There's a boat sitting at it's moorings. It has a ladder over the side. The ladder has fifteen rungs, four of the rungs are already submerged. The rungs of the ladder are excatally one foot apart. The tide rises excatally one foot per hour (and yes the tide is rising). In excatally three hours how many more rungs will be submerged.
Apokalipse
Golden Master
- Messages
- 14,559
- Location
- Melbourne, Australia
dittoEmily said:
OOH OOHH I GOT ONE I GOT ONE 
okay these guys are on a road trip and one of them had to take a massive dump badly. So one guy tells his friend "pull over i gotta crap! i'll be back in a few mins" so he runs out into a bush but runs back and says "i don't have any toilet paper, do you have a dollar?" so his friend gives him a dollar to wipe his butt with and he runs back into the bush. 45 minutes later he comes back to the car with a disguisted face. His friend asked him "what took you so long man??" and then he goes: "WELL YOU TRY WIPING YOUR @$$ WITH 4 QUARTERS!"
okay these guys are on a road trip and one of them had to take a massive dump badly. So one guy tells his friend "pull over i gotta crap! i'll be back in a few mins" so he runs out into a bush but runs back and says "i don't have any toilet paper, do you have a dollar?" so his friend gives him a dollar to wipe his butt with and he runs back into the bush. 45 minutes later he comes back to the car with a disguisted face. His friend asked him "what took you so long man??" and then he goes: "WELL YOU TRY WIPING YOUR @$$ WITH 4 QUARTERS!"
Apokalipse
Golden Master
- Messages
- 14,559
- Location
- Melbourne, Australia
Q. what's dumber than a brunette trying to light a fire underwater?
A. a blonde trying to put it out
A. a blonde trying to put it out
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