Jokes thread

[superdave1984]

Since we have a funny pics thread this seems appropriate. CLEAN PLEASE.


I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible!"

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

 

[bobojuice]

sorry i dont know any clean ones.

 

[Merkwürdigeliebe]

Well, this is rather borderline stupid/unclean:

A girlfriend and boyfriend decided that they'd get their kicks by having sex on top of a bunker bed where the boyfriend's younger brother sleeps on bottom. In an attempt to cover up what they are doing, they decide to use code-words such as 'Tomato' for harder, 'Lettuce' for softer, 'Mustard' for faster and 'Ketchup' for slower. So while they are having sex, the girlfriend keeps yelling out 'Mustard! Ketchup! Ketchup! Tomato! Mustard!' Suddenly, the younger brother pulls his head over and says 'Will you guys please stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over the place!"

Something more family-friendly:

An old man, at a restaurant, seated at a table with a bowl of soup calls over the waiter.
"Taste my soup"
"What's wrong with it sir?"
"Taste my soup..."
"Is there a fly in it? I don't see one.."
"Taste my soup."
"Is it cold?"
"Taste my soup!"
"Does it need salt? Pepper?"
"JUST TASTE MY SOUP!"
"Alright, alright, I'll taste it... but where's the spoon?"
"Ah ha!

 

[Luke]

a helicopter pilot is hired to fairy important business men from a office building to a meeting, during mid flight it get very very foggy and the pilots instruments malfunction, he does not know where he is heading so he slowly lowers to the ground and lands. There is a single glass building in the area, he sees a women at a window and motions for her to open it. He ask where he is, the women replies in a helicopter. The pilot then immediately takes off flies half a mile north and lands right smack in the middle of the heli pad. A passenger ask how did you do that, the man replies well the women told me exactly what i didn't need to know so i knew i was at the Microsoft support center.