Jokes N Stuff!

[Celery]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

[Celery]

A circus train derailed in a rural part of Finland & many of the animals
escaped, an elephant made its way to a farm many miles off the main road
owned by an elderly couple that had never traveled much beyond their parish.

The old woman was preparing lunch for her husband when she spotted a huge
unknown beast in her garden & called the sheriff about it pulling carrots up
with its tail! The sheriff asked "what is it doing with the carrots"! "She said,
sheriff...you've got to come see that for yourself"!!!

 

[Technician1]

I found a great new restaurant the other day.
It's a German-Chinese place.
The food was great, but a half an hour after eating I was hungry for power.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Both German and Chinese are Greek to me.
.
.
.
.
.
(Languages. No racism.)

 

[Smart_Guy]

So, what do you do if you find an angry hornet hive?

You buzz off!

How's that for a pun?

 

[~mr mixx~]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

 

[Celery]

LOL! That's a good one.

 

[Zero_Dash]

Hahaha, The pronouncing problem.

 

[Celery]

Hey Clancy, I got a pig stuck in my roo bar and I can't get em out.

It's quite simple Noah, just slice em open and let the guts fall out then he'll come out.

Thanks Clancy but what'll I do with his motorcycle?

 

[~mr mixx~]

Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don't know what to do?"

Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."