I've said it before and I'll say it again...you have a lot of inner conflicts at the moment from what you lead on here, and posting on a forum is not going to solve them...if you're serious about turning your life around and climbing out of the hole you need to seek professional help and see a psychiatrist as they will be able to help youThats why if I now need to rant about something personal, I take it to an advice forum, not TF.
This is just some friendly advice