poem i wrote today (i aint no poet but.....read if ur bored)

[DefragMyHead]

Exactly.

Precisely.

 

[baronvongogo]

hmm its ok , the rhyming is hit and miss too many simple words, and other lines fall apart as your thinking too much.

I don't think these lines work very well:

bring you back home
you fell asleep in the car
ill unlock the door make your bed
pick you up and bring you to your room and give you a kiss on the forehead
undress you and dress you again

It needs better structure the use of a thesaurus to exchange some rhyming words early in the poem. Although its ok if its your first attempt. Oh and love poems are probably not the best to share or depressing ones as people will call you emo lol.

 

[molsen]

the essence of poetry is that it comes from the soul. its interpretation is often different from person to person for this reason. words can never adequately express how we feel deep down in our souls. that being said, i think your poem is rather shallow. you might as well just write a dirty letter. it's barely poetry, and that's because it rhymes, kind of. (btw, poetry doesn't have to rhyme)

 

[DefragMyHead]

alcohol always helps me unleash my latent artistic talents--just a suggestion. Actually, any drug will do...

 

[molsen]

defrag, your poem was nice

 

[DefragMyHead]

thanks!

 

[Jorsoft]

youre better than smoking up and drinking booze

And they say chivalry is dead

It's an okay poem but it does feel shallow and simplistic. You're trying to hard to get everything to rhyme and not concentrating on the poem itself. Poetry is about capturing essence. If you really want to write a good poem start over and just write what you feel when you think of "jennifer" even if it's just a few words. You have to use your soul and your senses...and for god's sake don't make it rhyme! Rhyming on accident while you do something like this is at best still barely acceptable as it tends to take away from the poem as a whole.
Start simple and then elaborate elaborate elaborte. If you really want parts to rhyme do that at the end not from the very beginning.

 

[bigfatfrickinfa]

Re: Re: poem i wrote today (i aint no poet but.....read if ur bored)

And they say chivalry is dead

It's an okay poem but it does feel shallow and simplistic. You're trying to hard to get everything to rhyme and not concentrating on the poem itself. Poetry is about capturing essence. If you really want to write a good poem start over and just write what you feel when you think of "jennifer" even if it's just a few words. You have to use your soul and your senses...and for god's sake don't make it rhyme! Rhyming on accident while you do something like this is at best still barely acceptable as it tends to take away from the poem as a whole.
Start simple and then elaborate elaborate elaborte. If you really want parts to rhyme do that at the end not from the very beginning.

thanks.......i never knew that...but ya ur right

 

[The General]

No one likes poems, give her money and she'll get in bed with you.

 

[DefragMyHead]

That's called soliciting prostitution and happens to be illegal, you sad, sad man.