Jokes

[ShoobieRat]

Is there really any difference between women and computers?

1. Computers do what you tell them to.
2. A computer will let you hold it whenever you want.
3. Your computer, no matter what, costs less than your GF does (or will).
4. Your computer is perfectly content to stay home all day and watch Spaghetti-Westerns.
5. Your computer deals with you watching porn better than your GF does.
6. If you're having a problem, there's an off switch.
7. Your computer doesn't get silly and accidentally fall down the stairs. ()
8. If your computer gets cluttered, you can just erase it.
9. Fking around with your PC won't get it pregnant.
10. The only thing your PC needs is electricity, and an occassional blast of canned air.

That's 10. Tomorrow, 10 more...

Well, computers will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy

You'd be surprised what women will accept.

 

[ADZ]

The best thing about my computer over my gf....


THE MUTE BUTTON!

im jk...i love my gf dearly...2 solid years so far

 

[ShoobieRat]

2 Years? What's hold'n ya up? You two growing your own brides'maids?

 

[hilowe]

I dated my girlfriend for 4 years before I popped the question. Another year later, we were married. That was just over 2 years ago now.

 

[TheMajor]

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web


10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

 

[TheMajor]

Diary of a computer lamer



July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.

July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.

July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.

July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.

July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.

July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.

July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.

July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.

July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.

August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.

August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.

August 3
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.

August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.

August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.

August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

 

[ShoobieRat]

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

You seriously need to upgrade, TheMajor.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

Don't know. Every time it comes on, I run away screaming.

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

True, but you can't look at Cyndi Lauper's breasts on TV (at least not anymore).

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

Never having to have my family argue over me while I'm on the computer, is a good thing.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

Depends on how weak your TV system is.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

You're right. Instead of admitting fault, they try to cover themselves with gaggingly-annoying hosts and a plot/show that leaves you crying for faster remote response.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

You seriously need to upgrade your PC, TheMajor.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

Thank god.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

My computer is not HBO compatable. That's why I have a TV.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

Assuming you don't mean that you use the remote with your feet, I'll point you to WebTV, where you get the little wireless keyboard and can surf the web on your TV. I'm beginning to wonder if it's not just your computer that's far behind. :\

 

[TheMajor]

ROFL

You seriously need to upgrade, TheMajor.

I know.

Don't know. Every time it comes on, I run away screaming.

Me too.

True, but you can't look at Cyndi Lauper's breasts on TV (at least not anymore).

We can.

Never having to have my family argue over me while I'm on the computer, is a good thing.

Same here.

In how weak your TV system is.

Its faster than my computer.

You seriously need to upgrade your PC, TheMajor.

I know, I know....

My computer is not HBO compatable.

Mine neither.

Assuming you don't mean that you use the remote with your feet, I'll point you to WebTV, where you get the little wireless keyboard and can surf the web on your TV. I'm beginning to wonder if it's not just your computer that's far behind. :\

LOL, are you talking about my TV?

 

[Shumway]

One day all the seven dwarf's were in the tub and feeling happy...So happy got out

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case....Coincidence? I think not

 

[DEATH-INCARNATE]

WOW. THIS IS LIKE MY MOST SUCCESSFULL TOPIC POST.

i have a very good joke but you wont understand it if you are not a south african.