Updated Employee Handbook -- Effective Immediately...

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bryguy2323

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1). DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you
need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2). SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

3). SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

4). PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.

5). VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

6). BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is not warranted and is not part of company policy. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

7). ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be allowed. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

. RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00
to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40
and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In
extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Supervisors must approve this in writing. In addition, there is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic
Offenders".

9). LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.
 
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you
need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

umm... what?
 
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