Re: LAN PERSONALITIES PART 1
I am trying to find the LAN Personalities joke.
Finally. I found it.
Author Unknown wrote:
The one thing that I have noticed about every LAN party I have ever been to is that there are a few unavoidable hitches you always run into. For one thing, it takes about twice as long as you would guess for everything to get set up, but that is to be expected when you are co-coordinating a dozen finicky objects, and their computers. The truly amusing part is that there are certain types of people who are at every one, going through their own personal struggles with getting game on. These aren't so much concrete parts of peoples' personalities; instead they are the roles that seemingly must be assumed in order for a LAN party to be truly complete. I present to you, my list of LAN Party Lurkers.
The Invisible Man
This guy can't see anyone on the network. Maybe someone else can find him, maybe not. Sometimes he is the victim of faulty hardware, but more often he is a victim of his own stubborn nature, refusing to configure all the settings he was told to change. More often than not, he hasn't even plugged himself into the hub yet.
Characteristics Asks everyone in the room to see if they can find his computer on the network. Will consult registry settings, star charts, and tealeaves, and everyone else's configuration prior to checking to see if all the cables are plugged in.
Version 1.0
Since this guy purchased his computer a year and a half ago, he has managed to get by without downloading one patch for any of his games, or any updated drivers for his devices. He has never even heard of Windows Update. While the effects of running Tribes 2 on Nvidia 1.3 reference drivers are amusing, and a little trippy, one wonders how he plays any games released since the Reagan Administration on such an outdated set-up.
Characteristics A variety of visual errors, random crashing. (Note, this particular lurker always owns a broadband connection, destroying the only valid excuse for not keeping a machine current.)
Red-Beard and Peg-Leg
These two guys each have several Gigabyte collections of mp3's/pr0n/warez/movies, and proceed to consume all the network's bandwidth by sharing and transferring these treasures between each other.
Characteristics On any network through anything less than a switch, everyone's pings approach the high 400's. Do not take any files from them that have not been thoroughly scanned.
The Re-Installer
For whatever reason, this guy needs to re-install Windows. Perhaps he was a victim of a Serially Transferable Disease from a bad porn viewer from the pirates. Maybe he was trying out a beta of XP, or even had Real Player installed. No one can ever predict these things, they just happen.
Characteristics Spends most of the night watching progress meters and installing everything else on top. Under no circumstances will he possess a valid product key for his particular version of Windows.
10fps
This guy's machine was cutting edge, but its not 1998 anymore, and the system requirements have changed. You know you are in bad shape if you are grateful for a loaner TNT card.
Characteristics Grateful for anything that can help him increase his frame-rate or resolution. After LAN party has overwhelming urge to buy a new machine.
The Loaner
How anyone comes to a LAN party without bringing a computer, I don't know. Nevertheless, he is here, and needs help if he is going to enjoy himself. However, in a large enough groups there is usually someone extreme enough to bring two computers, just in case.
Characteristics Needs to learn all games from scratch. Has no concept of mouse look, or any knowledge of the games.
The Audiophile
He claims he forgot his headphones, but we all know he won't play without his sub-woofer.
Characteristics Every sound in every game can be heard from his direction louder than anyone's headphones will allow.
Mr. Time-zone
Everyone else has progressed onto 3 more games since that last round of CS, yet he is running around in circles wondering where everyone is hiding.
Characteristics Usually positioned in such a way that he cannot see anyone. His headphones blot out all outside sound, except for the Audiophile's.
Mister Angry
Upon dying, missing a power up, missing a single shot, getting hit with a shot, hearing any sound or thinking of kittens, Mister Angry will put his hands under the desk and launch it into orbit around Neptune. Headphones can often be found embedded 4 feet into walls. He then proceeds to blame his every shortcoming on every other member of his team, his computer, economic conditions in Bolivia and Orville Redenbacher.
Characteristics Every piece of computer equipment is held together by duct tape. Has not blinked in 10 years. Veins on forehead large enough to ski down.
Sailor with Tourettes
From arriving until leaving, utters one long stream of profanity that would make T_S_M blush. Often hilarious due to the creation of new insults in his ramblings. Is often mistaken as a Mister Angry, but the complete lack of any physical action is a revealing factor.
Characteristics Short hair, most likely drives an import, often riced. Is probably good at the game being played, and thinks this entitles him to shout profanity at the top of his lungs for 20 hours straight.
The B.O. King
While being an introvert isn't a bad thing, His Highness has forgotten that not bathing IS. A Pigpenesque trail of dust, debris and hobos follows in his wake. Can often be smelled 5 blocks down the road.
Characteristics Indeterminate race, age or sex. Has magical power to repel anyone sitting nearby.
Sir Smoke A Lot
Suggests everyone stop playing to go smoke a phat blunt every 15 minutes. After smoking, returns to complain about being to high to play, and goes to sleep (or smokes some more).
Mac user whose friends are going to the LAN but doesn't have a PC
Mac user's friends are all LAN party patrons with PC's. Since he has no other friends, he must hang out at the LAN party but alas, without a PC. In order to fit this description, he must look over your shoulder and watch you play counterstrike as he delves out witticisms and Macintosh comparisons. Frequently asks to play; however is not familiar with the "PC" interface, and insults your computer after dying a few times.
L33ty McLeet
Will come to party with his full tower and noisy water-cooling system. Spends most of their time browsing HardOCP and SharkyExtreme. Has the latest and greatest hardware, brags about their frame rate, yet is surprisingly bad at every game. May come to LAN party with only Linux installed.
Senator Cinema
This intriguing individual goes through the trouble of moving all their computer equipment (including their surround sound speakers) to a LAN party and all they do is watch DVDs. They also lose points for only watching stupid (usually war or Wild Things-esque *****) movies and anime.
AW***** licker
This lowlife mother****er only uses the cheapest guns in every game. They also have a Rainman like knowledge of every cheap camping spot in every level of every FPS. Their first mistake is using the AWP in the same room as me and their second is not saying their prayers before I strangle their worthless soul right out of their body.
Mr. One Game
Has a huge collection of games, but claims to have beaten them all and that they all suck. He refuses to play anything but one certain game (usually CS). And will resort to playing by himself while the rest of the people play another game, thus defeating the entire premise behind a LAN party.
Mr. Small Bladder
Gets up every 15 ****ing minutes for a **** break. ******n this guy's got a bladder the size of a peanut.
Mr. N00b!
Shows up at the LAN party with his computer and then has no clue what to do. "How do I plug in my keyboard?" "How do I connect to the LAN?" etc. Mr. N00b is your classic computer illiterate and many of the other lurkers must spend half the night setting him up.
The Upgrader
Comes to the party with a half-built or outdated system and a bag of hardware he bought at the local Fry's 5 minutes ago. The rest of his night is spent trying to figure out why the machine won't POST.
Mr. Forgetful
Forgets to bring random small parts of his system like his own ****ing power strip, monitor cable or a CAT5 cable. Goes around in circles asking people if he can borrow a mouse pad or whatever he didn't bring this time.
Mr. Where's My ******n CD
Near the end of the LAN party Mr. Where's My ******n CD rounds up his CDs that people had been copying, to find one missing. Spends the rest of his time there asking people where his CD is, and accusing people of stealing it, only to find it under his mouse pad or behind some empty cans of Mountain Dew as he packs up his system.
Mr. Stinky (a.k.a The Blob)
Mr. Stinky will often be relegated to the far corner of the room so as to offend as few people as possible. This creature shuns any form of personal hygiene and will often bring its own colostomy bag so that it can remain seated throughout the entire course of a 3 day LAN party. Mr. Stinky creates a permanent wall of noxious odors emanating from his armpits, mouth and ***, which surrounds him in a 6ft. radius. Players must make a successful roll against their olfactory senses, at 1/2 penalty, in order to move through the zone of stink. All players failing their rolls will begin to vomit violently and will most likely have to burn their clothes in order to rid them of the stench. Often confused with the B.O.Kin
The Mighty Stephen Hawking
He's the only one of your group that will tolerate all questions asked, no matter how stupid, and is occasionally asked for hardware and software advice because at one point he worked with computers. This has inflated his ego to the point that he thinks he can comment on every aspect of computing, believing himself to be the alpha and omega of all computer knowledge, so between games he chats about the geometry of his neighbors case being inadequate for the power user, and how he was able to improve the benchmark tests of his PC by over clocking his RAM. Then he tells everyone how much they need to upgrade to XP and dual boot with Slackware, because while XP offers the network usability he has so craved, he still finds it easiest to run servers in Linux. After that he makes sure to tell everyone when Athlon is planning to release their next generation processors, and how they pay for themselves by saving the time you wait for things to load. Then he extols the virtues of a good firewall, as there are many holes in your security. He then goes home and cries himself to sleep because nobody likes him and the only reason he was invited in the first place is because he the only one who has a hub with enough ports.
The Professional
His mouse pad probably cost more than your entire rig. He has perfected every single obscure move in the one game that he spends all his time on; be it combined grenade-and-rocket-jumping in TFC, crashing into tiny remote turrets with a shrike in Tribes 2, or killing the entire team with only the knife in CS. This guy has a config file that's longer than the bible, and his game is tweaked beyond perfection. Even though he has the fastest computer on the entire LAN, his visual settings are all set to a minimum, in order to get two more FPS. Sadly, he sucks at every game other than the one that he specialized in.
The Dynamic Duo
These two guys never, ever get separated. They demand that they're on one team in each and every game that's being played, even if it isn't a team game. Have the annoying habit of using the same model in DM games in order to avoid shooting each other.
The Exot
While everyone else is playing Counterstrike, Q3 or UT, this guy tries to get others to play games that they never heard about. Action HL, Codename[/b]
Eagle and Battlezone 2 are apparently god's gift to gamers, and must be played and adored by every attendant of the LAN party. If everyone's lucky, there will be multiple exot's on a LAN, because then they'll hole up in a corner and stop bothering everyone because they are too busy playing unknown games and feeling 3l33t.
The Strategy buff
This guy plays strategy games. You know, not the kind of strategy game like "Starcraft" or "Command & Conquer". He frowns upon these. His strategy games contain words like "General" "Panzer" or "Elite" in the title, are round-based, and come with a manual that weighs more than most people's computers. He spends most of the LAN party trying to get others to try Panzer Elite fighting simulator V2.0, with limited success.
Mysterious buddies
Two friends no one else knows who come, have a few 100 gigs of warez/porn etc, yet they don't share anything, have the latest 3D card and a over clocked Athlon and yet they don't play anything. No one knows what the **** they are doing there.
Stranger In A Strange Land
SIASL's(pronounced sai-***-els) will join in a game going on and show a modicum of skill at it. However, upon obtaining the flag, bomb or hostage, said person will then take it on a five week tour of the entire ******n map. Tribes 2 versions will often grab the flag and proceed to ski into a lake 20 kliks away, dry humping a piece of terrain that vaguely resembles Jacques Cousteau.
Characteristics Believes his false claim of "Dude, I was in the base the whole time, why didn't you return OUR flag?" will keep him from being beaten down. Often gets lost between the toilet and the sink and will shout for help from the bathroom.
