Post your Funnies here

[Osiris]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!
<HR style="COLOR: #6b8e23; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #6b8e23" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[Osiris]

Little Old Lady
<HR style="COLOR: #6b8e23; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #6b8e23" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->A little old lady is trudging down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags. Every once in a while a piece of currency slips through a tear in one of the bags

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, $20 bills are falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' He arches an eyebrow and asks teasingly, 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no!' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right up against the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans pee through the fence right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with my hedge clipper, and every time someone sticks his thingy through the fence, I grab hold of it and holler 'Twenty dollars or off it comes!''

''That seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, not everybody pays.'

 

[Pyrothrillah]

''That seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, not everybody pays.'

Weiner thief!!

 

[toxicity_27]

Am I the only one that cringed reading that?

 

[Trotter]

A couple from my aunt.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

 

[Osiris]

Age 98 and no enemies
<HR style="COLOR: #6b8e23; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #6b8e23" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don' t have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual.
How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight,' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said,
'I outlivedthe b******s.

 

[toxicity_27]

Good stuff. Keep em comin.

 

[yzmxer608]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!
<HR style="COLOR: #6b8e23; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #6b8e23" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Anyone else notice that the r in real is blue?

These are pretty funny though, good job!

 

[Osiris]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.​

 

[Luke]

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

that one i think was the best one. That and the toilet seat one.