Joke of the Day

[Nagasama]

do we have a joke thread? well, now we do. keep it within the forum rules. no dead baby jokes.

i'll start.

what do a yellow ball and a green ball have in common?

*********

they are both yellow, except for the green one.


i dont know why i think that is so funny. but when i read it milk came out my nose.

 

[Phantom118]

I know another joke something like that.,,

Whats red and smells like blue paint?

























Red Paint.

 

[Hefemeister]

Humorous story I like to equate to fixing computers.

A piano repairman goes to a house to fix the piano. He looks at it for a while, opens it up and adjusts a few screws and gives the customer a bill. The customer says $900 you just turned some screws. The piano guy takes the bill back and reworks it. He gives it back and it says: turning screws $20, knowing which screws to turn $880.


PS keep it clean. Joke threads can be fun but they usually get closed because people cannot use common sense.

 

[Nagasama]

good ones, guys. yes keep them clean i am trying to gather a list of jokes to tell my pre-teen nieces and nephews.
as i cant moderate this section the hammer of trotter will come down hard on any profanity or jokes that cross the decent line. not that i dont like dirty jokes, but this aint the place for them.

 

[HAVOC]

A lesson in Posting

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

 

[Nagasama]

^^lol^^
my eyes hurt. is that modeled after T.F.? haagagaggaa!

 

[carnageX]

Oh wow...that was great...lol.

It represents every forum ever, Naga .

 

[Spit-wad]

rofffffllllll nice one



This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.






Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.

"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"

 

[Trotter]

Here's a few...

> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her
> on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I
> found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
> Equ ally unfortunate, my wife is like most women-she loved
> to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
> letter from the local Target.
> >
> > Dear Mrs. Johnson,
> > Over the past six months, your husband has caused
> quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
> behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
> store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Samsel, are
> listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
> cameras.
> >
> > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
> them in other people's carts when they weren't
> looking.
> >
> > 2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to
> go off at 5-minute intervals.
> >
> > 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the
> floor leading to the women's restroom.
> >
> > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
> an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it
> right away. This caused the employee to leave her
> assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
> that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
> management to lose time and costing the company money.
> >
> > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put
> a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
> >
> > 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR'
> sign to a carpeted area.
> >
> > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping depar tment
> and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if
> they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
> department to which twenty children obliged.
> >
> > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help
> him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you
> people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
> >
> > 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera
> and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
> >
> > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
> department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
> were....
> >
> > 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
> while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
> >
> > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced
> his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of
> funnels.
> >
> > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
> browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
> >
> > 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the
> loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed
> 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
> >
> > And last, but not least:
> > 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
> door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!
> There's no toilet paper in here.

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."


The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."


The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's [butt], he'll pass a Harley Davidson.

> The Divorced Barbie Doll?
>
> One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he
> suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's
> birthday.
> He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
> 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display
> window?'
> The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
> We have:
> Work Out Barbie for $19.95
> Shopping Barbie for $19.95
> Beach Barbie for $19.95
> Disco Barbie for $19.95
> Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
> Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
> Skater Barbie for $19.95
> and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
>
> The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the
> Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
>
> The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and
> answers:
>
> Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car,
> Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture,
> Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a keychain
> made with Ken's testicles....

Proof that Men Have Better Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

[KSoD]

A lesson in Posting

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Me Too.

Had to do it.

Spit i have seen that application one before. Almost exactly the same. The one i seen was from a mid 30's guy or something like that. I think the only thing different was the Sex part.