Happiness is...



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The guys were all in deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so bad.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
They said,"Man,what happened to you? He said,'Bob snored so loudly,I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night was a different guy's turn. In the morning same thing-hair all standing up,eyes all bloodshot.
They said,"Man,what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said,"Man,that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night."
The third night was Pete's turn.Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning",he said.
They couldn't believe it! they said, "Man,what happened?
He said, "Well,we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt,and kissed him goodnight.

Bob covered himself and watched me all night."

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen".
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief
swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew
that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg
he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ....

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"
Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps
and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish" replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes,
straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels,
You don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear".
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home... And left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank!
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......
I assumed you had stolen the car.''


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Enjoy. Life.

"One day I had lunch with some old friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type, about 85-years old, came along with them; all in all, it was a pleasant bunch.
When the menus were presented, my friends and I ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, "A large piece of home-made apple pie, heated please.I wasn't sure my ears heard him right, and the others were aghast, when Jim continued, completely unabashed...."along with two large scoops of vanilla ice cream."
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time, but when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy eating mine. I couldn't take my eyes off of Jim as I watched him savoring each bite of his pie a-la-mode. The other guys just grinned in disbelief as they silently ate their lunches.
The next time I went out to eat, I called Jim and invited him to join me. I lunched on a white meat tuna sandwich, while he ordered a chocolate parfait. Since I was chuckling, he wanted to know if he amused me. I answered, "Yes, you certainly do, but you also confuse me. How come you always order such rich desserts, while I feel like I must be sensible in my food choices?"
He laughed and said "I'm tasting all that is possible for me to taste. I try to eat the food I need and do the things I should in order to stay healthy, but life's too short, my friend. I hate missing out on something good.
This year I realized how old I was. He grinned. I've never been this old before, so, while I'm still here, I've decided it's time to try all those things that, for years, I've been ignoring." He continued, "I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.”
"I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the one I love the most.
"I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final piece of pie before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what he's having, only add some more whipped cream!"


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