Offical joke thread..... WS, but hope no 1 is offended

[belveder]

If you can

If You Can...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through
no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,Then you are probably the family dog.

 

[Zagadka]

A young lady gets a taxi home late at night and dicovers when she gets home that she has lost her purse. When the taxi driver is not prepared to let her off the $10 fare she raises her skirt to reveal she is wearing nothing underneath and asks the taxi driver if he will accept payment in kind.

The taxi driver jumps at his chance and gets in the back of the taxi with the young girl. He takes his trousers off and as she sees the size of his huge member she thinks, "Wow, this is my lucky night! I may have lost my purse but its not every night you can get a lift home and get rodgered by a bloke with a 12" dick into the bargain".

She looks again as she hears the taxi driver fumbling about and sees him slipping a series of large washers over the end of his member. "Oy, what's this!" she shouts, "What sort of pervert are you?"

The taxi driver looks up and says: "Well, you didn't expect the whole thing for only $10, did you?"

 

[Myth Pharoah]

Zagadka... you're a sick sick man. But...

ALL OF THOSE ARE HILARIOUS!!!

 

[Qiranworms]

Just an email forward...


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.




On a Sear's hairdryer:


....Do not use while sleeping.


(darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)




On a bag of Fritos:


....You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.


(the shoplifter special?)




On a bar of Dial soap:


"Directions: Use like regular soap."


(and that would be how???....)




On some Swanson frozen dinners:


"Serving suggestion: Defrost."


(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)




Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):


"Do not turn upside down."


(well...duh, a bit late, huh?)




On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:


"Product will be hot after heating."


(...and you thought????...)




On packaging for a Rowenta iron:


"Do not iron clothes on body."


(but wouldn't this save me more time?)




On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:


"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."


(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)




On Nytol Sleep Aid:


"Warning: May cause drowsiness."


(and...I'm taking this because???....)




On most brands of Christmas lights:


"For indoor or outdoor use only."


(as opposed to...what?)




On a Japanese food processor:


"Not to be used for the other use."


(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)




On Sainsbury's peanuts:


"Warning: contains nuts."


(talk about a news flash)




On an American Airlines packet of nuts:


"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."


(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)




On a child's superman costume:


"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."


(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)




On a Swedish chainsaw:


"Do not attemept to stop chain with your hands or genitals."


(Oh my Gosh...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

[Myth Pharoah]

ROFL! LITERALLY!

 

[belveder]

New Corporate Policy

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.

TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?

TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[belveder]

The Elephant Man

The Elephant Man

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for
it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action."

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the
possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

 

[belveder]

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

 

[randy]

haha, these are all very funny.

 

[belveder]

Guilty Howard

Guilty Howard

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -

"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

"Howard, you're a Veterinarian..."