The Joke Thread:

[Spud1200]

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a sh*t and the bear leans over and asks the rabbit if he's ever had a problem with sh*t sticking to his fur. The rabbit says no, sh*t doesn't stick to his fur...... the bear says good, grabs the rabbit and wipes his a**

I read this the other day when I was browsing as a Guest and I was in a serious state of mind, after reading I just lol'd and thought meh, why be so serious about what was P****** me off and decided to chill out. I read it pretty fast as well so it seemed to break the state of mind I was in.. :LOL .. ..

 

[Spud1200]

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 50,000 signatures.

 

[Dauntae]

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 50,000 signatures.

Lol I'm going to have to use that one

 

[PP Mguire]

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 50,000 signatures.

Hahahahahaha

 

[Spud1200]

Pleased you like it, both of you.

Got this one as well.


I was admitted to hospital suffering a severe case of sexual frustration but after 48 hours I discharged myself.

 

[Spud1200]

I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia. Get in!

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I've just got back from an undertakers convention and the main topic was new ways of disposing of the dead. There was a lot of thinking outside of the box.

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[Trotter]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, ‘I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. ‘I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

‘Not really,' says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Never Mess with Old People!

 

[Gabis1207]

Q: What website do DJs use for their research?
A: Wiki-Wikipedia.

 

[thosegiants]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, ‘I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. ‘I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

‘Not really,' says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Never Mess with Old People!

Good joke - I needed to laugh this morning.

 

[iParanormalx]