Welp, irony of ironies, I've decided to screw JSON and just do a string search
seems that php's "json_decode" is a delicate little flower that likes to **** up whenever it wants, so ya know what I'm not even gonna use ya! Take that!
Dirty as hell but works 100% of the time, until Transperth decide to change their json layout, buuut I don't think that's too likely given how slow they are to change anything at all.
Ah well, added to intranet and it does what it's supposed to.
Next up, making a little screen to put next to the exit door