Well, turns out that even the retail version requires a Steam account and a nigh-nightmarish authentification process. Here's how I went about installing Half-Life 2:
1. Insert Disk 1. A solid opening move.
2. I need to create a Steam account? Spend 10 minutes fumbling through this and reading mind-numbing EULAs.
3. Stare at screen for a couple of minutes while my new Steam account validates.
4. Now the game is ready to install. Okay! Go through the installation wizard, read another mind-numbing EULA.
5. Type in my CD-Key.
6. "The CD-Key you entered is not valid. Please try again." Type it in again, getting it right this time.
7. Remove Disk 1, insert Disk 2.
8. Remove Disk 2, insert Disk 3.
9. Remove Disk 3, insert Disk 4.
10. Remove Disk 4, insert Disk 5. Yes, FIVE.
11. "The Steam servers are currently down, so we can't complete your subscription. But we'll let you play the game you just paid $55 for anyway." How nice of them.
12. "Please wait while we 'unlock' the game you've just paid $55 for." Stare at little progress bar for 25 minutes as it inches towards 100%.
13. Files unlocked! How nice of them. Click "Play Half-Life 2"
"Wrong disk in drive! Please insert Disk 1" The hell? I went through all that and I still have to have the disk in the drive? 14. Remove Disk 5, reinsert Disk 1.
15. Click "Play Half-Life 2."
16. Wait like 3 or 4 minutes for the game to load.
17. Hrm. It doesn't seem to like my dual monitor setup. Not too unusual, so hit Alt-Tab to get back to the desktop and disable the second monitor.
18. Computer locks up hard. Punch the power button and reboot.
19. Disable second monitor after waiting for computer to reboot.
20. Steam opens and pops up an advertisement: "Attention Steam users! Half-Life 2 is now available! Click here to buy the game you just paid $55 for!" Dangit! Close the ad.
21. Click "Play Half-Life 2."
22. Wait like 3 or 4 minutes for the game to load.
23. Click "Start New Game"
24. Wait another 3 or 4 minutes for new game to load.
25. Spend 20 minutes fiddling with video options to achieve zen-like balance between eye candy and framerate.
26. Finally play the mother clucking game.
1. Insert Disk 1. A solid opening move.
2. I need to create a Steam account? Spend 10 minutes fumbling through this and reading mind-numbing EULAs.
3. Stare at screen for a couple of minutes while my new Steam account validates.
4. Now the game is ready to install. Okay! Go through the installation wizard, read another mind-numbing EULA.
5. Type in my CD-Key.
6. "The CD-Key you entered is not valid. Please try again." Type it in again, getting it right this time.
7. Remove Disk 1, insert Disk 2.
8. Remove Disk 2, insert Disk 3.
9. Remove Disk 3, insert Disk 4.
10. Remove Disk 4, insert Disk 5. Yes, FIVE.
11. "The Steam servers are currently down, so we can't complete your subscription. But we'll let you play the game you just paid $55 for anyway." How nice of them.
12. "Please wait while we 'unlock' the game you've just paid $55 for." Stare at little progress bar for 25 minutes as it inches towards 100%.
13. Files unlocked! How nice of them. Click "Play Half-Life 2"
"Wrong disk in drive! Please insert Disk 1" The hell? I went through all that and I still have to have the disk in the drive? 14. Remove Disk 5, reinsert Disk 1.
15. Click "Play Half-Life 2."
16. Wait like 3 or 4 minutes for the game to load.
17. Hrm. It doesn't seem to like my dual monitor setup. Not too unusual, so hit Alt-Tab to get back to the desktop and disable the second monitor.
18. Computer locks up hard. Punch the power button and reboot.
19. Disable second monitor after waiting for computer to reboot.
20. Steam opens and pops up an advertisement: "Attention Steam users! Half-Life 2 is now available! Click here to buy the game you just paid $55 for!" Dangit! Close the ad.
21. Click "Play Half-Life 2."
22. Wait like 3 or 4 minutes for the game to load.
23. Click "Start New Game"
24. Wait another 3 or 4 minutes for new game to load.
25. Spend 20 minutes fiddling with video options to achieve zen-like balance between eye candy and framerate.
26. Finally play the mother clucking game.